just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
All I want is dick and wine.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
