im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
