Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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