we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize