It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
