These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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