Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
