i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
