I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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