did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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