I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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