Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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