take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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