Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
