I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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