i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
