i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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