Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
