Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
