I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
