his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
