There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
