I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize