I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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