If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My life is pants optional.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
