When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Randomize
