There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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