i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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