When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
