Swine flu. Run for my life!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
