actually, I'm a sock model
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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