The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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