dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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