HIV tests are more positive than that guy
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
