im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
