im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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