i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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