the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
