Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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