Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize