I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
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