How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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