oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
