That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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