my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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