I met the friendliest cop last night
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
