I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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