pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
