you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
