his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
