PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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