based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
