All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
