Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
