You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize