Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
