you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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