apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize