we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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