I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
